Ba, Ba, Black sheep

A catastrophic failure. That’s all I am.

Like a roller coaster that only goes down.

Just a gut wrenching, heart stopping, let down.

Reap what you sow, that’s something I remember hearing a thousand fucking times.

But when the apple seeds you planted don’t sprout, how

likely are you to ask yourself why they didn’t? really ask yourself.

Not just make an assumption that they were bad seeds or the soil

was not good enough. Like truly get to the bottom of why.

Not very likely right?

We aren’t raised to ask questions, definitely not about each other.

The amount of people that watch someone struggle with literally every task, no matter how big or small, and just are glad it isn’t them is shocking.

All of us have known kids who aren’t like everyone else

Nearly none of us really know why they are the way they are.

As a troubled black sheep myself, I’ve known nothing but to disappoint. Everything I do is just not good at all. I’m so use to being bad that staying in bed all day is the only time I feel I don’t ruin shit, because I simply didn’t get the chance to.

Well what does it feel like to not have any hopes and ambitions for yourself?

Pretty bland honestly, I do things without knowing why I’m doing them. I am simply phasing through life with no clue on what I will be doing after I’m done with whatever I’m up to.

It sounds spontaneous. But it isn’t.

Being spontaneous involves having an open, natural, and uninhibited manner.

The way things work in my life often involve dissolving in my surrounding.

Seeing everything people say I’m not getting done good enough and doing nothing about it.

Accepting that I have nothing to give to the world and watching as my lack of enthusiasm slowly piles up into a mountain which I will never conquer.

Have I ever tried working really hard for something? If so, did that result in anything worth interest?

Yes.

Plenty of times.

Enough times I couldn’t even list all of them.

In fact, my soul has many things it would like to do.

And many things it can be good at, but its never the things that would see me getting praise or applause. A few people will tell me I’m pretty good at whatever it is, then completely forget I ever found interest in it

Obviously, I don’t need other people to support me for me to enjoy something

But when your interest seems so insignificant and invisible, you often end up moving on to things that you subconsciously consider much more worth your time, simply because a lot more people would give you recognition for it.

And that’s why I have so many unfinished projects,

So many dreams and unfinished journeys.

Simply due to the fact that my insecurity and constant craving for validation has zapped any sense of commitment from my temporary hobbies.

Do I see myself becoming anything greater than the shell of unfulfilled expectations that I am?

Well, I would hope so. No one wants to believe they are worthless.

Even if you think you aren’t going to amount to anything, you will catch yourself fantasizing about being someone you aren’t.

A successful entrepreneur or a well-respected scientist, day dreams are malleable and we all shape them to be what we would deem perfect. But there are reasons to why they are just in your head.

As much as I want to break out this cycle of feeling like I don’t control my life, I know that if I don’t do anything about it no one will; even though I often feel incapable of having the self-discipline to work on myself like that. I would like to believe, just as an amazing super hero movie, my life will be completely different one day.

I will be filled with ambition and goals which I will then go on to achieve.

But till then I remain just a boring old me.

Well why write all of this?

Honest answer, I don’t know, something to do with inspiring people to think more openly and challenge their idea of “bad apples”

Not everyone is inherently evil just because they aren’t as capable of staying afloat in life’s merciless tides.

But at the same time, I’m not a motivational speaker or someone wise enough to inspire.

Just another guy with a problem that is only significant to him.

So, if you take something away from this then congrats, I’m glad I could help. If you didn’t then

Oh well…